Wednesday, November 25, 2015 16:12

Suicide Solution — Therapy for Depression and Feeling Better


Put the gun down.

Seriously — take a deep breath, relax a second, and think about it…

Recently, I noticed some pretty grim status updates on Facebook from an old acquaintance of mine. Now, I’m no stranger to talk of being “done with it all” and “sick to death of life”. I read this stuff seemingly every day from one person or another. The wonderful world of social networking has granted us all the opportunity to take the most morbid thoughts of our darkest hours and throw them right out in public for all eyes to see. Hence, I normally don’t pay any heed to such things as it’s become pretty common in our society. But, one string of status quotes in particular got my attention a few nights ago from said Facebooker.

It started with:

“I hope this all works out as planned”


“Leaving my old life behind and all the bad memories with it…”


“Ive never felt so ready to be done with all this”

then finally, the one that really raised a brow:

“Elysian fields ill see you soon….god forgive me..”

Something seemed different to me. I didn’t interpret this as the usual attention-starved jargon, desperately screaming for some daytime drama. This clearly sounded like the guy was planning to kill himself. Being a person who has danced with the devil and fought that urge my whole life, I couldn’t just “walk on by” and assume this was just another example of the aforementioned drama-invite and say nothing. I wrote the guy a pretty in-depth piece of my perspective of life and the things that cause these feelings of black and nothingness. I’ll share these thoughts with you below, in hopes that someone out there who is going through something similar may find some sort of comfort or inspiration:

“I’m not sure if any of this will mean anything to you or not……………but, I have battled severe depression my whole life. I’ve tried meds, shrinks, alcohol, talking to friends, family, etc. Nothing helped. Nothing. Alcohol temporarily slowed it down, but never cured it. I felt alone for years and no one anywhere understood. They still don’t, and a part of me still feels alone in several aspects. My darkest hours have been extremely black, numb, scary, painful, and eye-opening all at once. In the past I’ve put the barrel of a .357 magnum in my mouth and thumbed back the hammer, with my finger on the trigger, applying pressure, ready to silence the pain and take that journey. It’s amazing how the world looks to you in this moment, when you’re so close to leaving this place and entering the other side, fully realizing your life could end during the next split second. Any moment of uncertainty or loss of focus can change it all — forever. Your heart pounds and your lungs quiver. Your stomach tightens as your body begins to tremble and shake. A hundred thoughts are racing through your mind a thousand miles a second. Nothing makes sense, yet some things become so clear. And if I was a betting man, I’d say anyone who has done this has either A) pulled the trigger and killed themselves -or- B) taken something positive away from it and applied it to their life.

Me personally, for much of my life I have viewed the world as a foul place full of fuck-headed fuckstains. Many of whom I often have to resist the urges of smashing their fucking skulls into pieces and smearing the remains all over the pavement, like some kind of twisted art. Anything to make myself feel better. Like a sweet release. Then, just as fast, I turn these thoughts onto myself. And for anyone perceived as ‘normal’ who might read this, the first reaction is always, “Wow, you need help.” Part of that is correct. But, the “help” they often refer to is something I’ve been there and done, and it didn’t HELP. Doctors don’t care about how you’re feeling. They don’t care about the special place they are in and that they have a REAL opportunity to possibly make a REAL difference in someone’s life. No. Instead, most of them only care about how quickly they can interpret 35% of what you have to say so they can quickly prescribe you some meds and get you out the door so they aren’t late for their fucking tee off. And sadly, this is society’s typical version of “help”. No thank you. I’ll keep my money, and my dignity, as a matter of fact.

FACT: You’re the only one that knows how you’re truly feeling. It is this undeniable logic that shapes my belief that you are also the only one who can do something about it. Shrinks, meds, alcohol, hard drugs — these are only ‘band-aids’. They only slow the ‘bleeding’ and temporarily distract you. Meanwhile, the true problem persists and continues to get worse. I found that spending less time trying to get everyone else to understand how I’m feeling and spending a lot more time trying to find a resolution is the better way to attack the problem. Because seriously, what is making someone else understand going to do? How is it going to help? Hearing someone say “I understand” doesn’t solve my problem. Having them put their arm around me and hold me while I cry doesn’t solve my problem. Sure, it feels good to know someone cares. It truly does. But again, does this make your root issue go away? If so, well congrats, you’re done! And guess what? You were never severely depressed. You were just lonely, and in need of companionship. For those of us who struggle with severe depression — loneliness is just one facet of our entangled web of complexity, and it takes more to remedy our situation. I’ve spent time wrapped in someone’s arms, knowing they truly care for me, but yet still hurting inside and still entertaining the thoughts of death or otherwise escape. There is still a problem to address.

So, what do you do? How do you find the solution? Simple — look within yourself. The answer is there. It’s always there. If you don’t know how to unlock it, certain people can help. Again, don’t waste time talking to people who don’t get it. Talk to those who are already fighting the battle. Other people who are effected by this illness. They might not know exactly what specific thoughts you have or what issues are individually plaguing you, as depression tends to effect everyone in it’s own unique way. But, odds are they have a pretty good idea and can offer realistic perspectives for you to consider. But, I strongly urge you to simply look in the mirror. Your best friend and the one who knows you better than anyone else is waiting for you there. He/she is always there, ready to listen and help.

Not long after I spent some serious time laying down my thoughts and figuring out what exactly triggers these horrible emotions, I began to discover some great things. I found that there are two types of things that make up my depression: the things I cannot change, and the things I can. Emotions that spring up while I’m going about my normal daily routine, such as the social anxiety and agoraphobia I’ve dealt with since the cradle. These are natural reactions to crowds and groups of people I’m not familiar or comfortable with and is thus something I cannot change. I can’t turn that emotion off, so I’m forced to deal with it accordingly. Then, there are things that depress me that ARE changeable — such as a job, place of residence, or a personal relationship. These are things that I have the ability to control and change. If you hate your job and it is making your life miserable, leave it and get something else. Don’t be afraid of possible consequences. Your health isn’t worth the risk of doing nothing. I’m not saying just get up and walk out, not having a clue where you’re going or what you’re gonna do and let your bills pile up. Be sensible. Aggressively pursue another job, land it, THEN WALK OUT. If you’re stuck in a bad relationship that is sucking the life and happiness out of you, do your part to make it better. If you get no reciprocal effort from your other half, end it. You have the ability to make that change. Depression only takes you as far as you let it. Don’t give it an inch!

Sometimes people ask me how I do it. How do I take a crappy situation, and turn it into something positive. Where do I find the will and the energy to pick myself up after a devastating blow. It all goes back to the mirror, understanding where my problems come from, how to deal with them, and ultimately, coming up with a source of positive energy and an outlet for the negative. For me, these two things are exercise and cognitive therapy. I apply both myself. No doctors, no pills. Two very natural ways to not only relieve the toxins in the body that cause the chemical imbalance — but maintaining focus, attitude, determination, and ridding your conscience of the constant negative perspective. Essentially, a clean body and mind. This is my answer. My truth. I found it by searching deep within myself. Does this mean I’m cured? Of course not. I’m still just as susceptible of falling into the funk and stricken with temptation of suicide. But, with these two “medicines” at my disposal I’m much better equipped at handling it and making it through, contrary to how I use to deal with it (juggling the revolver). I strongly urge you to find your source of strength. Your “rock”, or happy place. It can be anything. A hobby, a responsibility, or otherwise. You don’t have to fight the battle alone. Make the choice to get with the program. Not the one everybody always talks about and attempts to drill into your head. Get with your own. Develop your own system. Do what works for YOU.

Also — I think that somewhere deep down, I concluded that ultimately the vile things I feel at certain times along with the sad blackness that still loves to follow me around everywhere I go is because of certain people and the world. And killing myself is LETTING THEM WIN. Letting them get the best of me. At that point when I realized this, I said FUCK THAT. And FUCK THEM. Me continuing to live and doing what I want to do is spitting in the faces of any and everyone who ever tried to hurt me or hold me down. Anyone who ever intentionally tries to wrong me or anyone I care for literally makes a declaration of war in my mind, and I respond ready to shred them to pieces. I don’t make my decisions based on what people say is “right”. I have no respect for society’s consensus. I don’t fear the system. I get off on beating it into the ground. This is my middle finger salute to it all. For me, life isn’t about plotting your exit. What is it going to change? What is it going to accomplish besides bringing a quiet smile to the faces of those who cause strife? Contrarily — for me, life is about how much shit you can take, and keep spitting it back in the faces of those who deserve it. It’s about continuing to move forward no matter what. It’s about saying FUCK YOU to anyone who dares stand in your way. And with that, in addition to the exercise and cognitive therapy, I also have a chip on my shoulder. Extra motivation to put the two to work.

Finally, about finding true love: Believe me, it’s out there. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your situation, but remember, there’s always another day. Another chapter. I’ve been through the horrible feeling of a serious break up and thinking that I had lost THE ONE and there will never, ever be anyone else like them. While there may never be anyone who matches one individual’s personality to the last detail, there are however, people who can meet your personal needs the same way, if not better, than a previous person did. Don’t get caught up in the feeling that once your current lover is gone — that’s it, you’re done. It just isn’t true.

Remember — YOU are in complete control. No one else. Do right by YOU. Never stop learning and getting stronger. Keep moving forward, no matter what.”

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10 Responses to “Suicide Solution — Therapy for Depression and Feeling Better”

  1. darkholm672 says:

    This is a very deep, powerful post. I read it three times. Thanks man.

  2. Samantha says:

    very well said… This inspires me. I suffered depression and still do. I was once in that abusive relationship that drugs seemed to be the only solution to happiness. I was three hours away from family who I couldnt run to immediately, and when I had a gun to my head… I begged for the trigger to be pulled because I thought… maybe just maybe If I died I would be better off… Its a sad world, but only if you allow it to be. I crawled out of my hole… and when I think theres another depression… I remember things could always be worse and focus on the good in my life instead of the bad. I look at my children and know those are my rocks that helps me make it. I have finally found the love of my life. I Know it might not seem better, but with patience and faith ( not nessecarily has to be god, but faith within yourself ) there will be a time where the depression will be gone.. Not completely.. because once diagnosed with drepression it will always be there… but things will be better. I know it doesnt seem like it now.. but you will look back at the moments that hurt you now and think. “It wasn’t so bad”. I know I do!!! LK.. Its great to know you have put yourself out there and have admitted you have been there before. I have to and I’m very happy to lend a ear to anyone who just needs one… even if its just to bitch about your day, because that one conversation can keep someone from ending a life. NOBODY is worth ending your life for….

  3. Myers says:

    This is a really great read, man
    anyone that is struggling with anything needs to read this
    I’ve known you for a long time and I’ve always said that your writing is good, no damn great.
    More people need to be aware of it

  4. Concrete Angel says:

    Beautifully written, and very touching. But, I never knew you went through anything like this……

    Makes me really sad on one hand, but very proud on the other to know you’ve controlled this battle and found your own way to rise above it. Just another example of how you walk to the beat of your own drum. I can’t respect that enough.


    • paganbell says:

      I concur. I LOVE this. And also had no idea about his hardships with depression. This is definitely something I will read often when times get rough.

  5. the chia says:

    I used to be suicidal…. Tried to excel in the workplace the “right way”. Then, I joined the Masons thinking I could get ahead. I mean afterall, the company where my buddy got me hired has a vice president who’s a Mason. I thought I’d be running the place within a couple years. Then, I found out it doesn’t exactly work that way. After three years of being a Mason, I was still doing the exact same job at the company as when I first started. WTF!? Not exactly what I had in mind.

    Obviously, some changes needed to be made. First, I sold out my friends. The guys who used to have my back and legitimately cared for me were suddenly brushed to the side. I was a Mason, so I always had to assert that my life was SOOOOOOOOO busy at all times and render all other social connections secondary. My friends and I would make plans, and 95% of the time I’d cancel them, generally over nothing. Just so I could sit around, stroke my scrotum, and pretend to take my life 100 times more serious than I should have. Self-righteousness is a powerful thing. When it touches you, you feel it. You embrace it. Eventually it gets to the point where you believe everyone else around you buys into it. They don’t….

    Upon realizing this, I was devastated. How could they not think I hung the fucking moon? I’m a Mason. I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people. I deserve better. I responded by not attending the wedding of my closest friend. The guy who used to make time for me when I needed help. The guy who was willing to get ordained and marry me and my wife when I asked him. Countless times he’d clear out his schedule so we could hang and I could vent. He’d listen to me and my problems. He helped me. He really cared. Hell, he was responsible for me getting the job I’m doing now. And, I just said fuck it, made up some ridiculous excuse, and blew off his wedding. Maybe I was upset about not being invited to join the wedding party. I wasn’t even asked to be one of his groomsmen. Why? Am I really that much of a douche?


    Well, no matter. Frat Boys can’t be bothered by people who aren’t in the fraternity. Of course, my selfish, insecure mind grew weaker and I felt guilty for all of it. I sought out my buddy one night to tell him how sorry I was for missing his wedding and for generally not being a better friend. He forgave me, which was really all I needed. Can’t be harboring guilt over something I myself created. Afterward, I immediately went back to being the same narcissistic fool I was before. Myself over everyone else. Can’t be bothered to give an inch for anyone who ever claimed to be a friend. It’s all about me, just as it always has been. I mean c’mon, my Facebook profile pic is of me looking in the mirror. Yea, I’ve obviously got better things to do.

     photo 1970546_10152274760098829_42634305_n_zps6613857f.jpg

    I changed my strategy at work. After a lot of therapy and soul searching, I found that being true to myself and trying to excel the noble way just wasn’t cutting it. I friend requested the boss on Facebook and began to leave humorous musings on his profile. I like to think of them as little love notes. Something to tickle his penis and make him notice me. When my real friends would leave things on my profile, I’d urgently start posting random things on my wall to bump everything they left for me down so my boss wouldn’t see it. They’d all be lost in the shuffle. Can’t have him thinking I actually pretend to have a life outside this place, now can I? Eventually, I just de-friended my real friends and blocked them like a total coward. Additionally, I mainly only posted pro-work stuff on my page. Posts that asserted how happy and thankful I was to be working for such crooked fuckheads who could give less of a shit about people than I do. Yep, these are my kind of people. And hey, it’s paying off. I finally got noticed. I am starting to fit in. I feel so accomplished. That guy in the mirror seems so far away and is almost like a stranger at this point, but I’m making it, Baby! My life is finally starting to mean something.

    I tell ya; there’s just nothing like swallowing my pride and trading my balls for a good set of knee pads. Now that the corporate kielbasa is deeply lodged in my mouth and throat I’m much happier. Hell, I might even start a new fraternity. Who needs the Masons? I’ve got suits, a shiny new vagina, and I’m drowning in fluid exchange. I can’t lose!


  6. johannas says:

    This article is AWESOME. It has to be the most inspirational things I’ve seen in a long time. Love the site!

  7. Go Cards Kill Cats says:

    If you’re gonna go all psycho, just make sure to do it in lexington!!!!!!!!!

  8. Austin M. says:

    You make a lot of very realistic points with simple logic that a lot of people tend to overlook. More people should adopt this kind of philosophy.

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